1. Any Man who brings a camera
to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten
by his fellow partygoers.
2. Under no circumstances may
two men share an umbrella.
3. It is ok for a man to cry
under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning
c. After wrecking your boss's car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into 'The
e. When your Date is using her teeth
4. Unless he murdered someone
in your family, you must bail a friend out of
jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a guy for
more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever, unless you actually marry her.
6. Bitching about the brand
of free beer in a friends fridge is forbidden.
Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7. No man shall ever be required
to buy a birthday present for another man in
fact, even remembering your friend's birthday
is strictly optional.
8. On a road trip, the strongest
bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9. When stumbling upon other
guys watching a sporting event, you may always
ask the score of the game in progress, but you
may never ask who's playing.
10. You may flatulate in front
of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers
for the purpose of flatulent entertainment,
she's officially your girlfriend.
11. It is permissible to quaff
a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning
on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by
a topless supermodel...and it's free.
12. Only in situations of Moral
and/or Ass peril are you allowed to kick another
guy in the nuts.
13. Unless you're in prison,
never fight naked.
14. Friends don't let friends
wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15. If a man's zipper is down,
that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.
16. Women who claim the 'love
to watch sports' must be treated as spies until
they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the
ability to drink as much beer as the other sports
17. You must offer heartfelt
and public condolences over the death of girlfriend's
cat, even if it was you who secretly set it
on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
18. A man in the company of
a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.
19. Never hesitate to reach
for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but not both. That's just plain mean.
20. If you compliment a guy
on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about
his choice of beer.
21. Never join your girlfriend
or wife in dissing a Mate of yours, except if
she's withholding sex pending your response.
22. Phrases that may not be
uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it! b. C'mon, give me one
more! Harder! c. Another set and we can hit
the showers! d. Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?
23. Never talk to a man in
a bathroom unless you are on equal footing,
both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For
all other situations, an almost imperceptible
nod is all the conversation you need.
24. Never allow a conversation
with a woman to go on longer than you are able
to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the
phone; hang up if necessary.
25. You cannot rat out a co-worker who shows
up at work with a massive hangover. You may
however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with
limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all
the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken,
and have him paged over the loudspeaker every
26. The morning after you and
a babe who was formerly 'just a friend' have
carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that your
feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to
nail her again before any discussion about what
a big mistake it was.
27. It is acceptable for you
to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her
to drive yours.
28. Thou shalt not buy a car
with an engine capacity of less than 1.5-litres
* thou shall not really buy a car with less
than five litres and eight cylinders.
29. Thou shalt not buy a car
in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green,
orange (unless it's a Pacer/Charger) or sky